Sis. Ruth Nichols, wife of VP Rev. Don Nichols, has been a Pastor's wife for over 30 years, and has a true heart for those in Ministry.
You will love her insights as she draws from her many years in pastoral work.
She is the mother of 3 children, and is also a registered nurse.
Handling Stress as a Pastor's WifeBeing raised in a pastor’s home, I was exposed to a few of the stressors common to the parsonage family. Mom did the cooking and housework, while Dad’s focus was ministry and caring for the yard work. Without a doubt, my mother worked very hard, keeping 6 children bathed, clothed and fed. Today it is not unusual for women to do the bulk of the cooking, shopping, housework, and child rearing, in addition to working outside the home to supplement the income. The demands on our time often leave us feeling “stressed” and feeling a sense of “guilt” for not being at our best with everything. Whether we work in the home or outside, have children or not, are young or old, or somewhere in-between, we women face high levels of stress. This is true because we live very complex, multi-tasked lives, the expectations we place upon ourselves, and those we allow others to place on us. Some stress is inevitable and even good for us, keeping us on our toes. But if you are feeling overwhelmed to the point where you feel like you are falling apart, take time to pause, reflect and analyze. Then, get ready to make some changes!
First of all, you need to recognize the sources of stress. There are two sources of stress: external and internal. External stress is pressure that comes from sources outside of us. These stressors can include finances, parents, spouse, children, work, friends, church members, church or community demands and housework. High stress demands include moving and changing pastorates, getting married, having a new baby in the home, or the death of a close family member.
Internal stresses are those pressures that we put on ourselves. We may not even realize it. These include wanting to be liked by everyone, seeking to please others, our expectations of success, our images of attractiveness, and our need to prove our competence at home, at church or at work.
Guilt can be a major source of stress for women. Guilty feelings occur when there is an inconsistency between what we value and how we behave. If you value having a neat and tidy home, but have several younger children, your home may not look as nice as you wish, then you feel guilty for not keeping the home picture perfect. You may be the leader of the children’s ministry or ladies group. Although you value those ministries, you may not have the time to adequately prepare the lessons you are to present, and then you feel guilt for not being properly prepared.
Determine if the stress you are feeling is coming from external or internal sources. If they are external, you must actively change your situation. If the source is internal, you must actively change your attitude. Neither of these is easy and each situation is different, but you do not have to be a victim of circumstances. Typically we are our own worst critic. No matter the source, external or internal, thinking through your points of stress will lessen their hold on you.
Outline what is truly important in your life. What do you want your life to be? Write down a statement about yourself, and how you would like your life to be structured. Then, set your daily lifestyle goals so that what matters most will become your daily priority. This will help with time management. Awareness is one of the first steps in solving a problem.
Guard against burnout! In our quest to please others and do a good job in all areas of our lives, the one person that we fail to pay attention to is ourselves. When we do not stay tuned to ourselves, we can be on a fast track to burnout. Burnout is an exhaustion resulting from excessive demands that will deplete your energy, your coping mechanisms and your physical reserves. Many physical symptoms, such as stomach problems, difficulty sleeping or breathing, headaches, panic attacks, or backaches may be related to stress or burnout. In an effort to keep myself free for our ministry, I have always worked jobs with flexible schedules. A number of years ago, I developed some physical symptoms that culminated in a trip to the emergency room by rescue squad. After an exam and lab tests, I was released, without a diagnosis, but with a follow-up appointment with my family doctor. My physician wisely started questioning about my daily life - my responsibilities, my joys, sorrows, pain, etc. He pinpointed areas where I needed to let go, and restructure my life. I followed his orders, and within weeks, my physical symptoms disappeared. Not all symptoms are caused by stress and burnout, but if you are experiencing some of these symptoms, examine your plate. It may be full and running over! “Learn to undo stress before it undoes you!”
Pay attention to your feelings! Even when we are seriously over-stressed, because of our busy lifestyle, many of us would deny there is a problem. If you are having difficulty coping, it is vitally important that you recognize and acknowledge your feelings as a first step to overcoming the stress in your life. You may want to talk to a fellow pastor’s wife, join a women’s group, or read books on stress and related subjects to give you special insight. Check with your local hospital to see if they offer free stress reductions classes. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It is an indication that you are aware of your stress level and are willing to deal with the situation openly and honestly.
Make necessary changes! In order to devote time to those things that you value most, significant changes must be made. You will have to find a way to spend less time doing less important things. There are times that you will have to say “no” to demands on your time and energy!
There are times that we need to ask for help. Some of us have the “Martha” complex! We carry the whole load, do all the work, and then complain because of being so overworked and taken advantage of. When we get down, we are so overwhelmed that we don’t even want to ask for assistance, opting to “do it all myself” rather than asking anyone for help.
Before you get to the point of being so overwhelmed, ask for specific help. I have heard some say, (and been known to say it myself), it is just easier to do it myself, that way I know it will be done. I am learning to ask for specific help. It is amazing how people respond to specific and measurable requests. Rather than telling your children to empty the trash, tell them that the trash must be taken out within the next two minutes. When asking for help with special church dinners, be specific in your requests. If you plan the menu, then you won’t come up short on variety. Instead of asking people to bring food, ask for a person to commit to bring a 9x13 pan of green bean casserole, 48 dinner rolls, etc. The menu can be typed with the amounts needed and the ladies can sign up to bring their specialty, or what they have the time and resources to provide.
Take time for yourself. Think of things that you really enjoy doing, and make a list! Then over the next few weeks, make sure you take the time to do those things. Some stress relieving suggestions are quiet times for meditation, prayer and Bible study, journaling, exercise, enjoy a massage, meet up with a friend (without your children) and have lunch at a tea shop, read a book, spend time on your favorite hobby.
Take heart! You do not have to have a gourmet meal on the table every evening, nor a kitchen floor that is so clean that one could eat off of it. It is not what you have, nor your accomplishments that make you a wonderful person. It is your uniqueness that makes you special. Don’t become a victim of your circumstances, but rather, take control of the stresses that are controlling you, and free yourself to become a vessel that God can use effectively.
“Casting all your care upon Him; for He careth for you.” I Peter 5:7
Ruth Nichols
March 2010
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